On Marriage

Marriage is good, marriage is great.  Marriage is challenging work.

Recently, there was an article floating around the web where Seth Adam Smith proclaimed that “marriage is not for me…” and “you don’t marry to make yourself, you marry to make someone else happy.”  I don’t know if i agree with all of hi sentiments but it’s an interesting thought.  Additionally, we have to take his article in context since it appears that Mr. Smith was struggling with mental health issues (depression) and other challenging circumstances (suicidal attempt).  Nevertheless, the premise that we marry to make someone happy is an interesting one.

I do believe we marry to make the other person happy, however, i believe we have to make ourselves happy first and foremost.  After all, charity begins at home.   And this brings me to the topic of this post.  I believe when we forget our happiness in marriage, our spirit and soul dies a little and we lose ourselves.   And instead we become lost in the other person and our marriage.   And that is not healthy.

Codependency comes to mind with Mr. Smith’s words: “you marry to make someone else happy.”  Codependency is a clinical term where “someone is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person.”  Which is what i think happens when we enter or remain in marriages for the sole purpose of making the other person happy.

I do agree it’s important to be selfless in our marriages and cater to the needs of our significant others however, we cannot do this if we are sacrificing our happiness and well being.  Eventually, we will become resentful and feel hatred toward the other person.  Additionally, i strongly do believe we cannot make our marriages great and stronger if we are unhappy.

Hence, why i LOVE that Khloe Kardashian (my favorite one if i was forced to choose one) has decided to take a stand for her happiness.  Of course i am not an insider in her marriage but from watching their show and other social media outlets (i follow her on instagram/twitter), Khloe appears to have married Lamar to make him happy.  And within the marriage, she appeared to have catered to his needs at her own expense.   As i think may women do in marriages.  There were scenes where she was taking care of his business, mental health and well being, making sure he was happy all the time while sacrificing her needs to start a family and to be happy.  And of course he was allowing her too because he wanted to be taken care of and catered too.   It’s no wonder she was also gaining weight.  And lo and behold once she decided to take a stand, she is taking care of herself and losing weight and looking amazing!!

Now i am not saying you are NEVER supposed to cater to the needs of your husband/spouse.  I am saying however that women shouldn’t do that at their own expense.

Marriage is hard work.  And i truly believe if we are unhappy in it…it makes marriage hard unnecessarily. Mr. Smith is right that we should get married to make our significant others happy, however, we have to be happy first and foremost.   We cannot give anything from our cup if it is empty.

That’s my little ditty on marriage this Wednesday.

But in the end…this is mostly the reason why I got married…..



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About Mrs. Pancakes

I became Mrs. Pancakes on 4.23.11! I became Mama Pancakes on 8.28.12! And our lives were forever changed! I call myself Mrs. Pancake because my man loves him some good and fluffy pancakes! The Pancake Life chronicles a life that is happy, inspiring, motivating and lived to the fullest! Why don't you stay a while and enjoy in the The Pancake Life!
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9 Responses to On Marriage

  1. Kita says:

    Marriage is so hard omg I want to love him sometimes and other times I just want to choke him out lol. It’s hard but at the end of the day you have someone to share something with and that is priceless.

  2. Wonderful insight! I read that article as well and I really liked the idea of making it priority to make your partner happy but just didn’t quite get the idea that it was ONLY about that purpose. I can’t make him happy unless I’m happy too. Yes, making him happy makes me happy but it has to start with me. I love being married. I’m one of those people that doesn’t find it “hard.” Maybe i’m just not really sure what that means.

  3. nylse says:

    I read that article and felt some sort of way after reading it. It sounded nice but a tad unrealistic (and I didn’t know about his mental health issues)
    Marriage is about the next person but it’s also about you.
    When I hear work as it relates to marriage it sounds like a negative, but to me it should be effort. You put effort in to the things you care about and that matter. Nothing in life just happens not even a good marriage.
    I think the article may have resonated with so many because in their marriages they want to be recipient of someone making them happy and they may not be happy right now. But your happiness does not depend on another person, it depends on you.
    I dunno, we’re making it happen after all these years and I don’t have a profound article to say how we’re doing it.

  4. jj says:

    This is definitely a good way to look at it. I agree 100%. I struggled with understanding what he meant when I read through his article about marrying to make someone else happy because that’s not how I feel. I married my husband because we both make each other happy and we are co-dependent on each other but prior to that, we were both happy and being together made us happier.
    No one one the outside cane make us happy. I fully believe that happiness comes from within. And when we’re happy with who we are, other people’s actions can only enhance or slightly diminish that feeling. Just my 2 cents 🙂

  5. Marriage is very very very hard work, but it is rewarding. Marriage is the ultimate form of ministry, but a lot of people don’t understand that. It is also important for people to understand that your circle needs to be complete first. Their is a misconception that we are half a person until we get married, but you both need to be whole and then you bring the best to each other. We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness, but the other person should certainly be contributing to it. So many people go into marriage wanting to “get” something, but if both people focus on giving, then everyone wins.

  6. I agree with you, I don’t follow the Kardashians but I have to admit she looks amazing almost like she got her glow back when she left Lamar! Marriage is tough, but once there is some balance between me time and couple time I think that is where the magic of marriage begins.