Mommylogues: On Miscarriage

This post was written three months ago…i wasn’t sure if i wanted to share it but sharing is all part of the healing process.

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Writing this post makes me happy and nervous at the same time!

Happy because God is blessing us with another beautiful child and for that I am grateful, nervous because of what happened last summer.  It’s something I haven’t spoken about but definitely a part of my story.  Experiencing a miscarriage is something that no one ever wants to discuss or talk about…at least not publicly.  We found out last June that we were expecting.  A surprise but a nice one.  It was going along smoothly and then i knew something wasn’t right.  I noticed blood and almost instantaneously I knew something was not right.  Of course the first pregnancy, there was no blood.  And of course i turned to google and that was probably NOT the best thing to do.  I went to the doctor’s and she wanted to monitor my hcg (human chorionic gonadotropin) levels (Which basically measures the rate of fetal development).  It wasn’t going up after several days and so the worst was confirmed.

Either I had a miscarriage and or experiencing an ectopic pregnancy.  All of this happened so fast, it was numbing to even think it was happening to me.  I think even before i went to the doctor’s appointment, i knew something was wrong but having it confirmed was just the saddest time.  But the worst was having the ultrasound that confirmed that there was no baby where a baby should have been.

The next several weeks was a strange blur because we kept on thinking, this cannot really be our lives.  I was in such pain during one week, i went to the ER, left that ER and on the way to the beach had to find another ER because the pain had returned.  It was just a living nightmare.  Deep breathe.  In the end, it was a difficult time but I survived and for that I am a stronger and better woman, mother and wife.  I was also A LOT FEARFUL to even try again for another baby.  But don’t you know it, sometimes God gives you surprises when you least expect it.

Conceiving a child is no small feat and I always appreciated the magnitude of it but never expected how much more I would appreciate it having experienced a miscarriage.  This time around obviously feels different but the fear is still there.

I am going to be confident and brave and fearless because I really do believe everything happens for a reason.

All will happen according to God’s plans and I am thankful for it.

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This week marks 6 months of Baby Pancakes 2.0 cooking and marinating and to feel his/her little butterfly kicks and stronger and strong nudges makes me even more thankful and blessed for this special time.  I am learning to relax and not think the worst..  I still every. single. time. i. use. the. bathroom. for. blood (TMI) but when you’ve gone through a miscarriage that fear is persistent.

I know Baby Pancakes 2.0 is fine and developing and thriving and for that i am more than grateful.  We never know what life has in store for us but i know that God’s plans are always the best and in the end…everything happens for a reason. All i can say (if anyone is experiencing this time in their pregnancy journey) is be faithful and strong and know that all will work out exactly as it should.  This process of child conception and development is a miracle and I wish that for you.  If you are currently going through this…here’s what you should know: 1. It’s okay to cry a little, a lot, all day! 2. It’s okay not to cry at all! 3. Lean on your partner. They may not completely understand but they are mourning too. 4. Talk to someone, a professional if you need to. 5. Talk to your mom (if she is supportive and nurturing). 6. Talk to your sister. 7. Talk to your friends (if they are supportive and nurturing). 8. Don’t talk to anyone for a while BUT I highly recommend talking to someone your trust and can lean on. 9. It’s okay to want to move past it. 10. It’s okay not to share right away with friends, family, blog. 11. It’s okay to retreat from people but don’t retreat forever. 12. Ask your husband for hugs. 13. It’s okay to ask people not to refer to your next baby as a “rainbow baby”…I hate that term. 14. Grieve in your own time. 15. Take your time to get back to yourself again! 

 {The 4 Stages After a Miscarriage}  and how God brought me through it.

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About Mrs. Pancakes

I became Mrs. Pancakes on 4.23.11! I became Mama Pancakes on 8.28.12! And our lives were forever changed! I call myself Mrs. Pancake because my man loves him some good and fluffy pancakes! The Pancake Life chronicles a life that is happy, inspiring, motivating and lived to the fullest! Why don't you stay a while and enjoy in the The Pancake Life!
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11 Responses to Mommylogues: On Miscarriage

  1. Darby Hawley says:

    Oh this hurts my heart so much. I’m so sorry to read that you have experienced such a great loss, but I’m so happy to see that you have come to a place of experienced and mature learning! I’m sure you will be such a great source of strength and wisdom for other women. I do have a question for you (not a judgment at all, I promise, just a curiosity): I call Dutch my rainbow baby, and I’m curious as to why you don’t like the term. I’m interested to learn of your perspective; I don’t want to offend anyone with that term.

    • Thanks Darby! You know I am not even sure why the phrase rainbow baby gets to me…I think the thought that another baby is replacing the lost baby diminishes the meaning of the first baby. I understand the concept of the rainbow idea but it just didn’t compute in my head because a storm to me is a bad thing and the lost baby is not a bad thing…it’s sad and devastating but not bad. Perhaps I am reading too much into it but then again I was hormonal then and I am now so everything is extra charged up. No offense taken! We should all be entitled to our thoughts. Thanks for sharing this too about Dutch…he’s so adorable!

  2. From Mrs to Mom says:

    I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s never easy for anyone. I never referred to my daughter as a rainbow baby either- not really sure why I didn’t.

    I’m excited for your little one coming this winter!!!

  3. Pegster says:

    Oh girl, so sorry to hear about this awful miscarriage experience you had. A miscarriage is so heartbreaking, it’s like having this high hope then losing it all in an instant and having your heart crushed in the process. I was lucky to have to beautiful healthy babies after a miscarriage but somehow I always wonder what if.

    God’s plan is the best and though it doesn’t make sense in the moment, the future always prove that his plan is the best. I am praying for a safe rest of your pregnancy and an easy delivery of baby pancakes 2.0.

    Sharing is definitely caring, thank you for making yourself vulnerable and empowering others in the process.

  4. Heather says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Pancakes. I wish you a healthy rest of your pregnancy and a happy future with both of your beautiful babies!

  5. JJ says:

    It saddened my heart to read this but I was also happy to read your testimony. It is something a lot of people don’t talk about but it happens often.
    Wishing you a safe delivery and can’t wait to hear all about your birth story.

  6. Healing Mama says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. You are very brave to share your story and I’m sure this post will help many women.